Wading into The Word Pool

Today I decided that I'm going to write again.  I have three novels half finished, ideas for several more bubbling close to the surface, a screenplay begun and I've been busy, busy, busy not writing any of them.  I haven't even been bothered about looking for reasons why I haven't been writing because I know why.

I'm frightened that I'm crap at it.  Or  far worse ... that I'm mediocre.  Isn't that what those who feel compelled to follow some kind of creative career worry most about?  Just being a bit "meh".

In the film Amadeus that was the great struggle that Salieri had - knowing that his talent would never, even on its very best day, touch the hem of Mozart's.

I totally emapthise.

Not that I'm comparing myself to Antonio Salieri.  I just get why he was so pissed off.

The fear of being ordinary stops creative people fulfilling their potential every day.  In my case it was chasing me in the opposite direction.  I have been doing everything I could to avoid it - watching movies, eating (yup doing lots of eating - never a good idea),  a bit of reading (not much though as that tends to make me think about writing), worrying, working, traveling ... you get the picture.  Anything but writing.

So I thought I'd start again.  This is it - my first outing in a while.  I set up this blog over a year ago.  I created a new identity for myself.  JP Hannan.  It's not really a new identity - it's my maiden name - the name I hope that one day will grace the spine of a book or be known for writing a movie.  Who knows? That was the thought process.  I wanted to get serious. Make plans.  Take the road.  So of course I let it sit empty for a year.  It was just a bit too serious. I'm frequently spooked by my own plans.  To be honest I never thought I'd use it. But here I am. Putting words down. Tentatively allowing that connection to be made again and realising to my surprise that it feels good.

It feels good to swim in the word pool again.